An Unexpected Tuesday

Earlier this week I saw a post on our social workers Facebook page. "Looking to find a new home for an artificial Christmas tree." I noticed "J" had commented in the post that she knew of a house that needed one. Unfortunately, the tree in the post had already been spoken for. We had purchased a new tree on Black Friday and had an old tree that we could donate so I texted "J" and offered her the tree. (I am the crazy one has 3 trees up in her house. One real, two artificial. We certainly did not need a fourth!).

Yesterday I got a text back from "J" that said, "Thanks for the offer but I can't find a way to get the tree from you." I had already taken the day off work to go to Gus' preschool party and was going to spend the afternoon as Santa's helper and get caught up for Christmas. So I responded and told her that I could drop it off on Tuesday afternoon....just needed to know where to take it. She gave me an address and told me that she would meet me there.

That got me thinking. Was she expecting Gus to be with me? Did she want to see him? Would she prefer not to? She hadn't seen him since the day she left the hospital. We send pictures and texts and Gus had a FB page just for her to see but she has never asked to see him. So did she even want to? Would she be disappointed if I showed up without him?

I quick called up Joel and asked what he thought. Should we offer? Or should I go alone like I originally planned? We decided that we would offer. We let her know that it was okay either way but that the choice was hers. She quickly responded, "that would be great to see him!" So there you have it....Gus was going to meet his birthmom the next day!

Joel and I talked to Gus about it and told him that we were going to go see "J". When we explain adoption to Gus we tell him that he grew in "J's" belly and then she gave him to us to keep forever and ever. So when we talked with Gus about what was going to happen he asked, "is she gonna take me back?" As I struggled to breathe and answer him, I quickly questioned whether or not I should take him the next day. I panicked for a moment before taking a deep breath and explaining to him. "No. In fact, he was gonna stay with me and Dadoh and Penny forever and ever." He seemed very content with that answer and bounded off to play. But what a huge question from a 3 year old! I was a little nervous about how he would react the next day but decided that we were gonna go anyway.

Gus and I spent the morning at his preschool for the Christmas party. I love that I am able to take time from school for things like that. I think it is really important to share the love of learning with your kids! Afterwards we headed north to "J".

We got to her house and unloaded the Christmas tree and then went in to chat. We got to meet her roommates and Gus ran around like crazy checking out all of their Christmas decorations and found a coloring book to play with. He talked to all of them and told them stories. He "read" them a book and was a little show off. "J" and her roommates all chatted for a bit. Got a few pictures of "J" and Gus and got ready to head home. Overall it was very relaxed and I was surprised at how easy it was.

I am happy that it went so smoothly and would be completely fine with meeting up again sometime. I knew that when we chose adoption, days like today would happen. I just didn't know that it would happen so unexpectedly on a random Tuesday.

Whirlwind of Wonderful

So remember how I was just saying how patient I needed to be?  Who knew that my world would change so quickly!!  Keep in mind, I wrote that last blog post on Sunday night.

On Monday afternoon, we had our regular staff meeting after school.  This time we were meeting in departments.  As I sat there meeting with the other school counselor, Kathy, my cell phone rang.  I looked down and saw, "Dawn Baker".  Now for those of you who are "Teen Mom" fans, you know that Dawn works for Bethany Christian Services as a pregnancy counselor.  I immediately got anxious as I went to pick up the phone.  Kathy quickly picked up on what was happening and ran to get Joel.  Thank goodness we work in the same building and he could get down to the office quickly to be with me.

Dawn informed us that there was a baby girl born at 1:50 AM that morning and that her birthparents chose us!!  Holy moly!!  We were told to come to the hospital on Tuesday morning to meet our baby girl!

We spent Monday evening frantically pulling out all of our baby stuff.  Every baby bin from the basement was strewn about our living room and kitchen.  (And if you ask Joel, there are WAY too many bins.)  We pulled out any clothing of Gus' that was gender neutral.  Brought up the pack 'n plays.  (Yes, that is plural.) Brought up the swing and the carseat and the changing pad....

I ran to Target to pick up the essentials like diapers, formula, Dreft, a couple of baby girls outfits (so she didn't come home in blue) and Tums (I knew I would need those to get through the next couple of days.)

I had Gus stay in my bed that night (I wanted to snuggle with him and it was our last night as a family of 3) as I laid awake the whole night worrying about everything that was about to happen and crying for my little boy who had no idea that in 12 hours his world was going to change drastically.  I spent half of my night worrying about our next adoption process, praying for this baby, praying for her birthparents, praying for our family.  I spent the other half watching Gus sleep and praying for him.  Praying for the transition that our family was about to make.  Soaking up the last few hours of his only child life and praying for him as the big brother that he was about to become.  Sad that I didn't have time to do something special with him on the last day as a family of three.  It was a very long night full of anxiety and tears....no sleep.

The next day, Gus went to his sitter's house and Joel and I headed to work for a couple of hours before heading to the hospital.  Once we got to the hospital we met up with Dawn who had some paperwork for us to fill out.  She then went to meet with the birthparents for what seemed to be forever long.  She came back to get us and we began the longest walk in the world.  The hospital we were in was huge and the room we were in was super far away from the room that "S" was in.  The walk seemed to be long, awkward and full of anxiety.  (Remember the movie The Green Mile....for some reason that kept popping in my head as we made this long walk down to meet the birthparents.)

Once in the room, we met the birthparents, his mom, her mom and her grandparents.  Nine of us in a tiny hospital room.  It sure was cozy!  We had a chance to talk and get to know one another a little bit.  I was jumping out of my skin!  Pretty sure that my nails were digging into Joel's knee as I held his hand.  We were then led back to the waiting room to wait....and wait...and wait....

While we were waiting, Dawn was taking care of some stuff with the birthparents and also introduced the baby girl to her birth family.  (They had not yet seen her.)  After what seemed to be a long time, Dawn came back to get us.  We went back to the room that "S" was in.  Once we were there, "S" made a point to hand this beautiful little girl over to me.  We held her and loved her and took some pictures with her, with the birthparents, with the whole family.  We gave "S" and "C", the birthfather, a few minutes alone with the baby before we got to take her back down to the room that we were assigned.

We spent the rest of the day hanging out in that room waiting to be discharged.  The baby was born at 36 weeks so she had to pass a carseat test before we could take her home.  We had to wait a long time before the NICU had time to do the test.  We FINALLY left for home around 8 PM.  We pulled in the driveway at 9 PM to meet up with Gus and introduce him to his baby sister!

We are beyond thrilled to welcome

PENELOPE LIN ELIZABETH

to our family!  She is absolutely beautiful and the sweetest little thing!  Penny weighed in at 6 lbs 8 oz and was 18" long.  We are cautiously approaching the next few weeks as we wait for legal placement, but we are over the moon and head over heels in love with this beautiful little girl!!

More info and pictures to follow in the upcoming weeks.  In the mean time, prayers would be much appreciated as we wait out the risk period.

Anniversary

Today Joel and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary.  It seems like just yesterday that we got married on that beautiful April day.  It was warm and sunny even though the forecasters said it was going to snow.  We were surrounded by friends and family to celebrate one of the best days of our life.

Fastforward four years.  On this day in 2009, we met Gus' birthfather.  I mentioned it before on this blog but did not go into any detail.  The reason we met with "K" was because he was reconsidering his parental rights.  Unlike birthmothers, the birthfather can sign off his rights before the baby is born.  He was considering the option of raising the unborn baby.  We met with K and our social worker, Dawn.  We all sat at a table in a little conference room.  I was sweating....I felt sick to my stomach.  What if this man did change his mind?  How would my legs even carry me out of this building before I collapsed to the ground in an unconsolable heap? How would I ever be able to celebrate my anniversary again since all I would ever remember is what happened on this day?  I watched in awe as Dawn spoke to K.  That woman is worth her weight in gold!!  I would have paid her a million dollars for her work on that day alone.  She was able to facilitate conversation between the three of us and make us all feel more comfortable with one another.  He shared some things about his life that he wanted to make sure that we shared with Gus one day.  Long story short, we had a successful meeting that day and K ended up signing later that week.  We never saw or heard from K after that.  And I am sure that we probably never will.  Not sure how I feel about that....I think that is something for me to investigate further some other day.

Move forward to today...today was delightful.  It was relaxing.  I did some organizing in my craft/Thirty-One room.  I wrote some thank you notes.  I packaged up some items to be mailed out to friends.  Joel and Gus went grocery shopping together today and left me in an empty, quiet house.  This was one of the first days that I had that was free of any plans.  LOVED it!  I loved getting to just relax and hangout with my boys.  Gus was full of energy and full of giggles.  Such a fun day!

The Call

Two years ago today I was supposed to have a cheerleading meet.  Unfortunately, it was canceled due to the weather.  So home I went after school.  Once I got home, I noticed the red blinking light on my answering machine.

"Hi Beth and Joel!  My name is Dawn Baker.  I am calling from Bethany Christian Services.  Please call me as soon as you get this message.  You can call me at .......until 5 and then on my cell phone at ......until 10 PM tonight.  Talk to you soon."

That's weird I thought.  We JUST updated our adoption application 2 weeks ago, what did they want now?  I called the number, asked for Dawn and was greeted by the most cheerful voice.

"Hi Beth! So glad that you were able to call back so quickly.  I have a birthmom who really wants to meet with you and Joel to see if you are a match!"

I almost fell over.  My legs felt weak and I had to sit down.  I sat on the bottom step of our stairs as Dawn gave me some background about J and K, the birthparents.  I remember my hands shaking, my voice wouldn't work.  It was all I could do not to fall completely apart.  Was this real?  Was this lady really calling to tell me that there was someone who chose US?

Dawn and I set up a time to meet with J the next week to see if we were a match and before we hung up, Dawn mentioned one more thing.  "Oh by the way....it's a boy!"

I thanked Dawn, hung up the phone and still shaking like a leaf, I tried to call Joel.  Joel was coaching wrestling at the time and his wrestling meet still happened (despite the weather).  I called Joel about 27 times and he ignored me every time. 

I decided that I couldn't tell anyone about this until I told Joel so I had to figure out how to spend my time.  So what did I do...I went shopping!  I remember wandering around Home Goods for about an hour while talking on my cell phone with Dawn.  She had called back with some more information so I got to at least talk to her a little bit.  After Home Goods (yes, I bought some really fun stuff while I was there!) I wandered over to Target.  I spent another two hours wandering around Target. Up and down each aisle.  I found myself in toys and purchased the first baby toy for our household.  I bought a green football for our little boy.

Finally, Joel was home and we could celebrate.  There were lots of tears and both completely stunned.  We were in disbelief that this was happening and so quickly for us.  We told only our family and a few very close friends and kept our fingers crossed for our meeting with J.  We are so happy that J chose us!  The past two years have flown right by and we are loving every minute of it!!

Adoption Roundtable

Yet another roundtable discussion about open adoption.  This one actually has us looking at questions presented by another blogger.  I've included my thoughts below....what are yours?


1. If open adoption is so great, why do so many people suck at it? By this I mean, not honouring commitments, closing the adoption, telling the other family they’re not “doing this thing” correctly or playing the “for the sake of the child” card?

I think that many people "suck at it" because the choose not to work hard at it or they are selfish.  Yes, there are many times that I want to scream, "He is my son and I don't want to ________!"  But that is very selfish.  My first Mother's Day was much that way.  I remember being so angry because instead of just enjoying it, I thought about what I needed to do for J on this day.  What would Gus send to her?  How do we even begin to thank her?  How does she feel on this day?  I agonized over every part of the day, but I made sure that Gus sent her something and I made sure that we sent her a text that day thinking of her.  Why?  Because that is the commitment that we made.  For me, I feel like these commitments are very similiar to the commitment of marriage....it is for real and it is for life.


2. From the standpoint of first parents, open adoption sounds like something that could prolong suffering. Could this suffering potentially outweigh the good of knowing where your child is? Who helps the first parent?
I know that it must be very difficult for J.  But I also know that she was able to begin her healing process after she knew that Gus was well taken care of.  She asked us to send pictures...and lots of them within the first week that Gus was home with us.  We sent pictures of us in the neighborhood, around the house, etc.  She really got the opportunity to see that Gus was doing well and that we would be taken care of.  I think that knowing that, really helped J on her way to healing.  As a counselor, I know that healing does not come easily.  But I also know that it is important to work through that suffering and find a path to healing.  I am happy that J had a counselor that worked with her before and after Gus was born.  I hope that every birthparent has that opportunity.


3. I’m guessing kids are not hung up on how many relatives they have. Tell me that the thing that hangs up the public all the time about open adoption and other unconventional relationships—two mommies, two daddies, three, four, parents—is the least of your worries because it seems to me it is.
I feel like the world around us is very curious about adoptive families.  I can't even begin to tell you how many people ask us questions.  I'm sure that if I had given birth to Gus we wouldn't have questions about how he came to be.  I think it is natural for people to be curious of the unknown....and we are happy to share it.  If we can educate one person about adoption, we are thrilled.  We feel like it should be very open so others come to understand how wonderful it is. 


4. Do you ever feel like you should give this child back? Does the thought ever seize you totally as you watch your child with her bio-family: “ooops?” (OR for f-parents: Do you ever feel as though you need to take this child back? That nothing is stopping you beside an agreement that feels false? Does that feeling go away?)
NO!!  Okay, I have to admit, this question took me off guard.  Never would I think I should "give Gus back".  He is ours...all ours.  From the moment he was born he became part of me.  I know that God sent us Gus for a reason and I know that J chose us for a reason.  No doubt about it!!


5. How do children ever cope with knowing they could not be kept? When they see their natural parents having more kids, what do they think? Who helps the child in this situation? Both sets of parents?
Okay...now you are just asking me to bring out the counselor mumbo-jumbo.  Gus is only one....I have no idea how he will feel some day.  But I will tell you this....Gus will know how much he is loved.  He will know why J chose and adoption plan.  He will know everything that we know about how he ended up in our arms.  Adoption is not about not being kept...it is about love.  Gus is a lucky little boy.  We adore him and love him more than life itself as our extended family does, too.  In addition, he is even luckier because he has a birthmom and her entire extended family.  What a lucky boy! 


6. Can you say comfortably that some surrendering mothers could not cope with an open adoption or do you think that it should always be the standard?
I understand that not everyone could cope with an open adoption due to the different person or perhaps the circumstances.  But I also know that we would not enter into an adoption with someone who wouldn't want an open adoption.  We chose "open" so that our kids would always have a connection with their birthparents.  And hopefully, some day, all of their questions will be answered...if they haven't been answered already.  (Many of you know that I have already told Gus a lot about J.  I know that he is only one...but I am a firm believer in being honest with him all the way!)


7. Is there ever a reason (aside from extreme/illegal behaviours) to close an adoption totally?

NO!!

Check out this blog for more responses to this question.  Or check out this one for the original post of questions.

Oops...I've been a little sidetracked...

I meant to get back on here two weeks ago after the last ultrasound, but things have been a little hectic around here with the end of the school year, the end of Joel's track season (in which he has 2 kids going to state finals!!), the end of my graduate classes and the beginning of my agency internship. Oh yeah...and we are trying to prepare our house for Spike! I realized that I haven't been on here for a while so I thought I had better update everyone. Up until now, this blog has been all about Spike and waiting for him. As life rolls on, this blog will begin to document all parts of our life as a family. There is lots going on right now for your reading enjoyment.

I got to go to another ultrasound with "J" two weeks ago. The measurements indicated that Spike is a big boy. He is approximately 1 lb bigger than the typical baby this far along. But that is okay. Everything looks good. We were able to schedule the c-section as well. As long as everything goes as planned and Spike does not show up early, he is scheduled to arrive on June 18th.

So we continue to wait patiently (or at least as patiently as possible in this type of situation). In the mean time some really fun things have happened.

• My friend Amy J found out that she is pregnant. She has had a rough road to get here and I am so thrilled for her and her hubby, Chris. So exciting!!
• My friend, Ginger and her husband Rob are also expecting a baby. They found out today that it is a boy! They are naming him Kegan. We are pumped that Spike will have a buddy to play with around the corner. (And 4 roads away.) We also realized that they could even be going to the same school and in the same classroom. Crazy that we can even think that far ahead.
• My life-long friend, Sally Anne called me on Sunday to tell me that she got engaged!! I am beyond excited for her. I haven't been able to see her yet but I can't wait to give her a huge hug! (If you are driving by Lansing on Sunday and you see two ladies jumping around in the Applebees parking lot...that will be us. I can't wait to have dinner with her, Tim and her daughter, McKenna. Such fun!
• I have my last graduate class this weekend. I will be in class all Friday night and all day Saturday. YAHOO!!! Just have to finish that really big paper and my internships.
• I officially start my agency internship on Tuesday by co-facilitating a group for people within the transgender population. I am sure that I will learn a lot. I hope that I can also help the group by being there.
• Joel is taking 2 kids to Track State Finals this weekend. It is so great that they made it this far and we just hope that they power through and do well this weekend.

Life is good right now...if we could just get out of school for the summer and meet Spike it would be perfect.

32 weeks

J is now 32 weeks along in her pregnancy. We had another doctor's appointment with her today. This was the last monthly appointment that we had. From here on out we are going to have biweekly appointments to go to. We were told that there would be another ultra sound at the next appointment.

We are scheduled to attend a baby care class and an infant CPR class. In addition to that, we are meeting the pediatrician. We have a busy two weeks ahead of us.

We also finished Spike's bedroom. I can't believe that we are going to be parents really soon!!

The birthfather

Today was an event filled day.

Joel and I celebrated our fourth anniversary by going out to dinner. With our hectic schedule lately, it was nice to just relax and have dinner together.

But even more exciting...we met Spike's birthfather. I am so glad that we met him today and had a chance to get to know him a little bit.

We are excited because Spike's Gramma and Papa are coming over this weekend to help us get a little more organized. Should be a fun filled weekend!

Joel's first appointment

We had another doctor's appointment today with J. This was Joel's first time going to "Spike's" doctor's appointment. Joel got to meet J's mom and stepdad and he got to see Spike on the ultrasound!

I am so glad that Joel got to go to the appointment today not only so that he was there for the ultrasound but so that he could also meet the super suave doctor! We are both quite impressed by this guy.

J is now in her 7th month. Although the time seems to creep by, we are getting closer to June!! We are working to organize our home a little bit more so that we will at least have that ready for when Spike comes home.

It's a Match!!

We met the birthmom of our baby today!!

We received a phone call last week that "J" (as she will be known from here on out in order to protect her privacy) found our profile online and wanted to meet us. Joel and I met with J and the agency's pregnancy counselor, Dawn, today at a church where we got to know one another a little bit. I was even invited to go with to her doctor's appointment tomorrow. I am a little nervous, but overall, super excited!!! The baby is due at the end of June so we have some time to get ready.

Thank you so much to all of you who have been praying for us. Please keep it up, because we are going to need it. We are so surprised at how quickly this has gone and it hasn't yet sunk in...not sure it will sink in for a long time.