Adoption Roundtable

Yet another roundtable discussion about open adoption.  This one actually has us looking at questions presented by another blogger.  I've included my thoughts below....what are yours?


1. If open adoption is so great, why do so many people suck at it? By this I mean, not honouring commitments, closing the adoption, telling the other family they’re not “doing this thing” correctly or playing the “for the sake of the child” card?

I think that many people "suck at it" because the choose not to work hard at it or they are selfish.  Yes, there are many times that I want to scream, "He is my son and I don't want to ________!"  But that is very selfish.  My first Mother's Day was much that way.  I remember being so angry because instead of just enjoying it, I thought about what I needed to do for J on this day.  What would Gus send to her?  How do we even begin to thank her?  How does she feel on this day?  I agonized over every part of the day, but I made sure that Gus sent her something and I made sure that we sent her a text that day thinking of her.  Why?  Because that is the commitment that we made.  For me, I feel like these commitments are very similiar to the commitment of marriage....it is for real and it is for life.


2. From the standpoint of first parents, open adoption sounds like something that could prolong suffering. Could this suffering potentially outweigh the good of knowing where your child is? Who helps the first parent?
I know that it must be very difficult for J.  But I also know that she was able to begin her healing process after she knew that Gus was well taken care of.  She asked us to send pictures...and lots of them within the first week that Gus was home with us.  We sent pictures of us in the neighborhood, around the house, etc.  She really got the opportunity to see that Gus was doing well and that we would be taken care of.  I think that knowing that, really helped J on her way to healing.  As a counselor, I know that healing does not come easily.  But I also know that it is important to work through that suffering and find a path to healing.  I am happy that J had a counselor that worked with her before and after Gus was born.  I hope that every birthparent has that opportunity.


3. I’m guessing kids are not hung up on how many relatives they have. Tell me that the thing that hangs up the public all the time about open adoption and other unconventional relationships—two mommies, two daddies, three, four, parents—is the least of your worries because it seems to me it is.
I feel like the world around us is very curious about adoptive families.  I can't even begin to tell you how many people ask us questions.  I'm sure that if I had given birth to Gus we wouldn't have questions about how he came to be.  I think it is natural for people to be curious of the unknown....and we are happy to share it.  If we can educate one person about adoption, we are thrilled.  We feel like it should be very open so others come to understand how wonderful it is. 


4. Do you ever feel like you should give this child back? Does the thought ever seize you totally as you watch your child with her bio-family: “ooops?” (OR for f-parents: Do you ever feel as though you need to take this child back? That nothing is stopping you beside an agreement that feels false? Does that feeling go away?)
NO!!  Okay, I have to admit, this question took me off guard.  Never would I think I should "give Gus back".  He is ours...all ours.  From the moment he was born he became part of me.  I know that God sent us Gus for a reason and I know that J chose us for a reason.  No doubt about it!!


5. How do children ever cope with knowing they could not be kept? When they see their natural parents having more kids, what do they think? Who helps the child in this situation? Both sets of parents?
Okay...now you are just asking me to bring out the counselor mumbo-jumbo.  Gus is only one....I have no idea how he will feel some day.  But I will tell you this....Gus will know how much he is loved.  He will know why J chose and adoption plan.  He will know everything that we know about how he ended up in our arms.  Adoption is not about not being kept...it is about love.  Gus is a lucky little boy.  We adore him and love him more than life itself as our extended family does, too.  In addition, he is even luckier because he has a birthmom and her entire extended family.  What a lucky boy! 


6. Can you say comfortably that some surrendering mothers could not cope with an open adoption or do you think that it should always be the standard?
I understand that not everyone could cope with an open adoption due to the different person or perhaps the circumstances.  But I also know that we would not enter into an adoption with someone who wouldn't want an open adoption.  We chose "open" so that our kids would always have a connection with their birthparents.  And hopefully, some day, all of their questions will be answered...if they haven't been answered already.  (Many of you know that I have already told Gus a lot about J.  I know that he is only one...but I am a firm believer in being honest with him all the way!)


7. Is there ever a reason (aside from extreme/illegal behaviours) to close an adoption totally?

NO!!

Check out this blog for more responses to this question.  Or check out this one for the original post of questions.

Anti-"Adopt"

So this has been on my mind for weeks.  So I figured why not spew my thoughts about it on here.  So hang in there as I just spew incessantly.

According to www.merriam-webster.com, the definition of adopt is as follows:

1. to take by choice into a relationship; especially : to take voluntarily as one's own child
2. to take up and practice or use   
3. to accept formally and put into effect
4. to choose (a textbook) for required study in a course
5. to sponsor the care and maintenance of

(By the way...I realize that I just did something that I do not allow in my classroom.  Never allow kids to give me definitions in their writing.  If I need the definition I can look it up.  And if I need to look it up then it means that the student probably plagiarized.  Sorry...got sidetracked there.)

I was reading another adoption blog today and the author ranted on and on about her hate of the use of "adopt" when speaking of anything other than adopting a child.  She got really vicious about people using the word in relation to a pet.  Apparently this author felt that pets were not worthy using this word.  (Umm...hello...pets are like children to some of us!  How could this woman not know that?)  I was shocked to see that there were many people that commented on her post and agreed with her.

So I looked up the word.  Notice above that there are a handful of appropriate meanings of the word.  But #1 on the list is in reference to adopting a child.  As we know, I am a huge advocate for adoption and I always want to make sure that people use safe adoption language.  But I am not angry when people use the word "adopt" in reference to anything other than a child and the legal process to making that child "legally" part of a family.  Yes, we talk about adoption and yes, we are very open about it...but it doesn't define Gus.  He is not our "adopted son"...he is our son.  So maybe I am crazy for not agreeing with the author of that post or the others who commented, but I just simply don't agree.  The word "adopt" means nothing to me other than the legal process to make Gus "legally" ours.  My heart was his the moment I saw him....I don't need a word set aside to describe that.  So go ahead....use the word "adopt" with any of the definitions above.  I won't be offended.

Thanks for listening to me rant.  I feel better now.  Hopefully, I will fall asleep tonight without thinking about it. 

Happy 2 Year Anniversary My Dear Blog!

Can you believe it?!?!  I have been writing this blog for TWO years!!  I went back to the very beginning at my first post.  Wanna see it?  Click here!  I remember thinking, "Man, I really can't stand everyone asking me about our adoption process.  Still waiting.  Not much to report."  I decided then to start a blog so that I could just tell friends and family to check our blog for the latest news.  Little did I know that I was going to have lots to post soon after that! 

Today I spent a little bit of time looking back on those earlier posts.  And I have been bawling like a baby ever since. I did fine during the first couple posts but it was the third one that got me.  I was fine until I read "Today we met the birthmom of our baby!"  Instant tears.  I remember feeling so excited that I was shaking and so nervous that I was throwing up in the parking lot of the church we met her in while Joel was cool as a cucumber and asleep in the car while his wife was freaking out!  I remember calling my family and friends and trying to tell them through uncontrollable sobbing that I was going to be a momma!  Finding out that you are pregnant and getting to tell people is very exciting....but for those of you out there who have had a long road to parenthood like we did, understand the uncontrolable sobbing because you are excited that it is finally happening.  Something that you have waited so long for and struggled for is finally happening.  I'm pretty sure that everyone that I spoke to could barely understand me....but I didn't care.  I wanted to scream it from the rooftops!  I was going to be a momma!!!  (In case you are wondering...yes, I am still crying as I write this post.)

I continued to read through some of my other posts, some from last year and some along the way this year.  I can't believe how quickly two years have passed.  I wish that I wrote more eloquently and was more diligent about posting on my blog and I hope that people enjoy reading about us (I know, mom...you do.  Thanks for being my #1 reader!)  but I am pretty proud of myself for continuing to write about our crazy family and the life we lead.  I can't wait to see what 2011 brings for Stapes House.  And I can't wait for the day when I get to post about the Stape House growing again.  So stay tuned and see what is in store for us in the future.  THANKS FOR READING!!

I will kick that intruder's arse....

Just wait...here comes another edition of, "Beth is crazy!"

Today seemed like the longest Friday of all time.  Long, crazy day with lots of student drama and discipline going on.  Not to mention followed by a cheer practice where the girls were simply stir crazy and unfocused and the coaches (myself being one of them) were getting very frustrated.  My friend, Diane, watched Gus for us today while I was at practice and Joel was helping to run a charity event.  After practice, Diane, Gus and I ran some errands together.  We finished up just in time for me to get Gus home for bedtime.

After wrestling with my 1 1/2 year old alligator to get him out of the carseat and he tried to slither out of my arms as we walked up to the house, I was finally able to let him run free once we walked through that front door.  I casually took off my coat as Gus ran around like a mad man and I walked into the kitchen to hang up my coat and.....BOOM!!!  There is was!  The door leading from the kitchen into the garage was wide...I mean WIDE open.  Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap!!!!  (Okay....yes, I had some other choice words running through my head.)  I snatched Gus up, grabbed my cell phone and ran out to the neighbor's driveway as I called my husband.  (The neighbor is a police officer....I figured I could always have him come kick the intruder's arse if need be.) 

I frantically called Joel to ask if he by chance left that door open.  His response, much to my dismay, "ya know....I think I might have.  I left in such a rush."  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?  How do I know for sure?  And why didn't I think to grab my coat?  I am freezing.  Should I go back in?  Maybe I should make Aaron go check it out first.  Should I call the cops?  Am I being ridiculous?  Am I overly paranoid?  Maybe I should be more concerned?  Many things went through my mind.  Oh!  And thank goodness I hadn't yet gotten Gus out of his coat.  He was warm and at this point playing in the snow at the neighbor's house.  After a lot of thought, we went back into the house.  I set Gus down and I grabbed the broom in the kitchen and went around the house with a broom in one hand and my phone in the other with it already dialed to 9-1-...just in case.  I kicked open every door, the shower curtain, looked under the bed and jumped in about in an effort to surprise the intruder and so that I could kick his/her arse with a broom.

Long story short....no intruder but my overactive imagination jumped into overdrive and I became a raving lunatic. But I still have my broom ready....just waiting for my husband, the door-leaver-opener, to arrive home.  He better start running.....