"That's what always happens! People adopt, and then they get pregnant!" Which isn't true, not at all. Only about 5% of couples who adopt after infertility will go on to have a successful pregnancy, and I have to wonder, given my situation, how many of those pregnancies are due to donor gametes or embryos...
I read than on one of the many blogs that I follow written by Willow, who is an adoptive mom who is also now pregnant with the help of donor eggs. Check out the entire post....it is good! I can't even tell you how many people say this to me. "Just watch....now you will get pregnant!" EVERYONE seems to know about another family who adopted and then got pregnant afterwards....and they LOVE to tell me about it. I know that people mean well and that they probably think that is something I should hope for. I don't think that they realize how frustrating it is to hear people mention that. Like Willow said, only about 5% of adoptive parents end up having successful pregnancies after adoption. Those are not good odds.
Now of course, we will welcome any children that God may bless us with, but do I think that just because we adopted that I will get pregnant now? No, of course not! I still remember the years of failures and disappointments all too well. It was a very painful and lonely time for me. And of course, it seemed like everyone we knew was getting pregnant during that time. (And, yes, my crazy self counted. There were 32 babies of friends/acquaintances of ours that were born between the time we began looking at the infertility issues to the day that we learned about Gus. That included 2 sets of twins.) I struggled a lot emotionally during those years. I remember sitting at a staff meeting and chatting with a handful of my coworkers...two of which recently had babies. They were talking about how they wish they could still wear their maternity pants because they were so comfortable. One turned to me and said, "Oh Beth...just wait....you are going to LOVE wearing them!" I had to leave the room before I burst into tears. All I could think was how I probably would never wear maternity clothes. It seemed like an innocent conversation....and really, most of those women didn't know what I was going through at the time. I also remember a deal my husband and I made. I love real trees at Christmas and he likes fake ones. Since we visit family for the majority of the holidays Joel didn't think it was a good idea to have a real tree. So the deal was that we would have fake until we had kids...because then we wouldn't travel as much. I clearly remember sitting in a snowbank in the middle of a tree farm as we were hunting for my parents Christmas tree. I was surrounded by reminders of how I still wasn't a mom. These memories, and many others, are very vivid to me. I will always remember those years but they don't sting as much any more because there is a beautiful little boy in my life now. I will not pretend that all the issues have changed and that I will suddenly have a successful pregnancy.
This week was National Infertility Awareness Week. Did you know that 1 in 8 men or women are diagnosed with infertility? Travelling the road of infertility is a very lonely road to be on. Even when travelling it with your spouse, it is very lonely and painful. Please take a minute to pray for those who have experienced fertility issues. And if you want to learn more about the infertility issues that many people face and learn the truth to many myths out there, check out http://www.resolve.org/.
Showing posts with label adoptive mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoptive mom. Show all posts
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Adoption Roundtable
Has open adoption ever felt like too much? Have you ever wanted to walk away?
That is what we were asked today at Production, Not Reproduction. I have participated a couple of times in this roundtable discussion. These questions hit me like a ton of bricks.
"Has open adoption ever felt like too much?" Honestly, it doesn't consume me as much. Before we adopted I wondered how hard it would really be. Would I be up for it? Could I handle it emotionally? So far, so good. But I think that has a lot to do with the fact that Gus' birthmom, J, is very easy going. She has made our open plan really easy. I am discovering that we are luckier than a lot of other families out there. We are very blessed the J has made it so that it never feels like too much.
There is only one exception....Mother's Day. I've only had 2 Mother's Day's so far. One when Gus was still in the womb and one with us. Before Gus was born, I dreaded Mother's Day. Not because I didn't want to celebrate my own mom, but because of the emotions and heartache. Once we decided to start a family and had repeated failure, Mother's Day became very difficult. In church they honor the mothers in the congregation on this day and they say a blessing on all of them. Never fails...I bawled. Aching to be one of those moms. Once I did become a mom, I continued to bawl in church. It still seems quite surreal. I am very blessed! The hard part, however, is thinking about the other mother out there. I know that Mother's Day is very difficult for Gus' birthmom. And because Gus is too little to do it himself, I take on the responsibility of sending something to J, to honor her for making the difficult decision she did to grant Gus life and to making an adoption plan for him. So on a day that should be one that I get to enjoy...I try to make sure that Gus' birthmom is not forgotten. That is the only time (so far) that adoption seems to be too much. This is not something that many other mom's need to think about.
"Have you ever wanted to walk away?" Heck, no! Adoption is such a blessing and we are so very blessed to have Gus in our life. And even throughout the entire process, I have never wanted to walk away. And you know what? I plan to walk right into it again when we adopt again!
Friday, January 28, 2011
The Call
Two years ago today I was supposed to have a cheerleading meet. Unfortunately, it was canceled due to the weather. So home I went after school. Once I got home, I noticed the red blinking light on my answering machine.
"Hi Beth and Joel! My name is Dawn Baker. I am calling from Bethany Christian Services. Please call me as soon as you get this message. You can call me at .......until 5 and then on my cell phone at ......until 10 PM tonight. Talk to you soon."
That's weird I thought. We JUST updated our adoption application 2 weeks ago, what did they want now? I called the number, asked for Dawn and was greeted by the most cheerful voice.
"Hi Beth! So glad that you were able to call back so quickly. I have a birthmom who really wants to meet with you and Joel to see if you are a match!"
I almost fell over. My legs felt weak and I had to sit down. I sat on the bottom step of our stairs as Dawn gave me some background about J and K, the birthparents. I remember my hands shaking, my voice wouldn't work. It was all I could do not to fall completely apart. Was this real? Was this lady really calling to tell me that there was someone who chose US?
Dawn and I set up a time to meet with J the next week to see if we were a match and before we hung up, Dawn mentioned one more thing. "Oh by the way....it's a boy!"
I thanked Dawn, hung up the phone and still shaking like a leaf, I tried to call Joel. Joel was coaching wrestling at the time and his wrestling meet still happened (despite the weather). I called Joel about 27 times and he ignored me every time.
I decided that I couldn't tell anyone about this until I told Joel so I had to figure out how to spend my time. So what did I do...I went shopping! I remember wandering around Home Goods for about an hour while talking on my cell phone with Dawn. She had called back with some more information so I got to at least talk to her a little bit. After Home Goods (yes, I bought some really fun stuff while I was there!) I wandered over to Target. I spent another two hours wandering around Target. Up and down each aisle. I found myself in toys and purchased the first baby toy for our household. I bought a green football for our little boy.
Finally, Joel was home and we could celebrate. There were lots of tears and both completely stunned. We were in disbelief that this was happening and so quickly for us. We told only our family and a few very close friends and kept our fingers crossed for our meeting with J. We are so happy that J chose us! The past two years have flown right by and we are loving every minute of it!!
"Hi Beth and Joel! My name is Dawn Baker. I am calling from Bethany Christian Services. Please call me as soon as you get this message. You can call me at .......until 5 and then on my cell phone at ......until 10 PM tonight. Talk to you soon."
That's weird I thought. We JUST updated our adoption application 2 weeks ago, what did they want now? I called the number, asked for Dawn and was greeted by the most cheerful voice.
"Hi Beth! So glad that you were able to call back so quickly. I have a birthmom who really wants to meet with you and Joel to see if you are a match!"
I almost fell over. My legs felt weak and I had to sit down. I sat on the bottom step of our stairs as Dawn gave me some background about J and K, the birthparents. I remember my hands shaking, my voice wouldn't work. It was all I could do not to fall completely apart. Was this real? Was this lady really calling to tell me that there was someone who chose US?
Dawn and I set up a time to meet with J the next week to see if we were a match and before we hung up, Dawn mentioned one more thing. "Oh by the way....it's a boy!"
I thanked Dawn, hung up the phone and still shaking like a leaf, I tried to call Joel. Joel was coaching wrestling at the time and his wrestling meet still happened (despite the weather). I called Joel about 27 times and he ignored me every time.
I decided that I couldn't tell anyone about this until I told Joel so I had to figure out how to spend my time. So what did I do...I went shopping! I remember wandering around Home Goods for about an hour while talking on my cell phone with Dawn. She had called back with some more information so I got to at least talk to her a little bit. After Home Goods (yes, I bought some really fun stuff while I was there!) I wandered over to Target. I spent another two hours wandering around Target. Up and down each aisle. I found myself in toys and purchased the first baby toy for our household. I bought a green football for our little boy.
Finally, Joel was home and we could celebrate. There were lots of tears and both completely stunned. We were in disbelief that this was happening and so quickly for us. We told only our family and a few very close friends and kept our fingers crossed for our meeting with J. We are so happy that J chose us! The past two years have flown right by and we are loving every minute of it!!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Adoption Roundtable
Yet another roundtable discussion about open adoption. This one actually has us looking at questions presented by another blogger. I've included my thoughts below....what are yours?
1. If open adoption is so great, why do so many people suck at it? By this I mean, not honouring commitments, closing the adoption, telling the other family they’re not “doing this thing” correctly or playing the “for the sake of the child” card?
I think that many people "suck at it" because the choose not to work hard at it or they are selfish. Yes, there are many times that I want to scream, "He is my son and I don't want to ________!" But that is very selfish. My first Mother's Day was much that way. I remember being so angry because instead of just enjoying it, I thought about what I needed to do for J on this day. What would Gus send to her? How do we even begin to thank her? How does she feel on this day? I agonized over every part of the day, but I made sure that Gus sent her something and I made sure that we sent her a text that day thinking of her. Why? Because that is the commitment that we made. For me, I feel like these commitments are very similiar to the commitment of marriage....it is for real and it is for life.
2. From the standpoint of first parents, open adoption sounds like something that could prolong suffering. Could this suffering potentially outweigh the good of knowing where your child is? Who helps the first parent?
I know that it must be very difficult for J. But I also know that she was able to begin her healing process after she knew that Gus was well taken care of. She asked us to send pictures...and lots of them within the first week that Gus was home with us. We sent pictures of us in the neighborhood, around the house, etc. She really got the opportunity to see that Gus was doing well and that we would be taken care of. I think that knowing that, really helped J on her way to healing. As a counselor, I know that healing does not come easily. But I also know that it is important to work through that suffering and find a path to healing. I am happy that J had a counselor that worked with her before and after Gus was born. I hope that every birthparent has that opportunity.
3. I’m guessing kids are not hung up on how many relatives they have. Tell me that the thing that hangs up the public all the time about open adoption and other unconventional relationships—two mommies, two daddies, three, four, parents—is the least of your worries because it seems to me it is.
I feel like the world around us is very curious about adoptive families. I can't even begin to tell you how many people ask us questions. I'm sure that if I had given birth to Gus we wouldn't have questions about how he came to be. I think it is natural for people to be curious of the unknown....and we are happy to share it. If we can educate one person about adoption, we are thrilled. We feel like it should be very open so others come to understand how wonderful it is.
4. Do you ever feel like you should give this child back? Does the thought ever seize you totally as you watch your child with her bio-family: “ooops?” (OR for f-parents: Do you ever feel as though you need to take this child back? That nothing is stopping you beside an agreement that feels false? Does that feeling go away?)
NO!! Okay, I have to admit, this question took me off guard. Never would I think I should "give Gus back". He is ours...all ours. From the moment he was born he became part of me. I know that God sent us Gus for a reason and I know that J chose us for a reason. No doubt about it!!
5. How do children ever cope with knowing they could not be kept? When they see their natural parents having more kids, what do they think? Who helps the child in this situation? Both sets of parents?
Okay...now you are just asking me to bring out the counselor mumbo-jumbo. Gus is only one....I have no idea how he will feel some day. But I will tell you this....Gus will know how much he is loved. He will know why J chose and adoption plan. He will know everything that we know about how he ended up in our arms. Adoption is not about not being kept...it is about love. Gus is a lucky little boy. We adore him and love him more than life itself as our extended family does, too. In addition, he is even luckier because he has a birthmom and her entire extended family. What a lucky boy!
6. Can you say comfortably that some surrendering mothers could not cope with an open adoption or do you think that it should always be the standard?
I understand that not everyone could cope with an open adoption due to the different person or perhaps the circumstances. But I also know that we would not enter into an adoption with someone who wouldn't want an open adoption. We chose "open" so that our kids would always have a connection with their birthparents. And hopefully, some day, all of their questions will be answered...if they haven't been answered already. (Many of you know that I have already told Gus a lot about J. I know that he is only one...but I am a firm believer in being honest with him all the way!)
7. Is there ever a reason (aside from extreme/illegal behaviours) to close an adoption totally?
NO!!
Check out this blog for more responses to this question. Or check out this one for the original post of questions.
1. If open adoption is so great, why do so many people suck at it? By this I mean, not honouring commitments, closing the adoption, telling the other family they’re not “doing this thing” correctly or playing the “for the sake of the child” card?
I think that many people "suck at it" because the choose not to work hard at it or they are selfish. Yes, there are many times that I want to scream, "He is my son and I don't want to ________!" But that is very selfish. My first Mother's Day was much that way. I remember being so angry because instead of just enjoying it, I thought about what I needed to do for J on this day. What would Gus send to her? How do we even begin to thank her? How does she feel on this day? I agonized over every part of the day, but I made sure that Gus sent her something and I made sure that we sent her a text that day thinking of her. Why? Because that is the commitment that we made. For me, I feel like these commitments are very similiar to the commitment of marriage....it is for real and it is for life.
2. From the standpoint of first parents, open adoption sounds like something that could prolong suffering. Could this suffering potentially outweigh the good of knowing where your child is? Who helps the first parent?
I know that it must be very difficult for J. But I also know that she was able to begin her healing process after she knew that Gus was well taken care of. She asked us to send pictures...and lots of them within the first week that Gus was home with us. We sent pictures of us in the neighborhood, around the house, etc. She really got the opportunity to see that Gus was doing well and that we would be taken care of. I think that knowing that, really helped J on her way to healing. As a counselor, I know that healing does not come easily. But I also know that it is important to work through that suffering and find a path to healing. I am happy that J had a counselor that worked with her before and after Gus was born. I hope that every birthparent has that opportunity.
3. I’m guessing kids are not hung up on how many relatives they have. Tell me that the thing that hangs up the public all the time about open adoption and other unconventional relationships—two mommies, two daddies, three, four, parents—is the least of your worries because it seems to me it is.
I feel like the world around us is very curious about adoptive families. I can't even begin to tell you how many people ask us questions. I'm sure that if I had given birth to Gus we wouldn't have questions about how he came to be. I think it is natural for people to be curious of the unknown....and we are happy to share it. If we can educate one person about adoption, we are thrilled. We feel like it should be very open so others come to understand how wonderful it is.
4. Do you ever feel like you should give this child back? Does the thought ever seize you totally as you watch your child with her bio-family: “ooops?” (OR for f-parents: Do you ever feel as though you need to take this child back? That nothing is stopping you beside an agreement that feels false? Does that feeling go away?)
NO!! Okay, I have to admit, this question took me off guard. Never would I think I should "give Gus back". He is ours...all ours. From the moment he was born he became part of me. I know that God sent us Gus for a reason and I know that J chose us for a reason. No doubt about it!!
5. How do children ever cope with knowing they could not be kept? When they see their natural parents having more kids, what do they think? Who helps the child in this situation? Both sets of parents?
Okay...now you are just asking me to bring out the counselor mumbo-jumbo. Gus is only one....I have no idea how he will feel some day. But I will tell you this....Gus will know how much he is loved. He will know why J chose and adoption plan. He will know everything that we know about how he ended up in our arms. Adoption is not about not being kept...it is about love. Gus is a lucky little boy. We adore him and love him more than life itself as our extended family does, too. In addition, he is even luckier because he has a birthmom and her entire extended family. What a lucky boy!
6. Can you say comfortably that some surrendering mothers could not cope with an open adoption or do you think that it should always be the standard?
I understand that not everyone could cope with an open adoption due to the different person or perhaps the circumstances. But I also know that we would not enter into an adoption with someone who wouldn't want an open adoption. We chose "open" so that our kids would always have a connection with their birthparents. And hopefully, some day, all of their questions will be answered...if they haven't been answered already. (Many of you know that I have already told Gus a lot about J. I know that he is only one...but I am a firm believer in being honest with him all the way!)
7. Is there ever a reason (aside from extreme/illegal behaviours) to close an adoption totally?
NO!!
Check out this blog for more responses to this question. Or check out this one for the original post of questions.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
NAAM 2010
In honor of National Adoption Awareness Month:
Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.
I saw this posted on a friend's facebook status. She, too, is blessed by adoption....two times over! She has two beautiful daughters. I love that she posted this today. It is so real in our lives. As adoptive parents we often get asked a number of questions. Many questions come from people who are genuinely interested and want to know more about adoption.
What made you decide to adopt? Did it take a long time? Will he ever meet his birthparents? How old was he when you got him? What agency did you go through? Will you adopt again? How much does it cost? Is it hard to adopt? How much do you know about his birthparents?
And then there are those other questions...Don't you want children of your own? Have you talked to his real parents? How much does it cost to buy a baby? What made his real mom give him up? These questions can make me crumble. But what I have found is that they have made me stronger. I have come up with some really polite ways of either answering their stupid questions or a polite way of saying, "Take a hike, you ignorant fool! Think before you open your mouth!"
I love that we have an opportunity to educate others about adoption for a whole month! I'm so excited the National Adoption Awareness Month is here!! So stay tuned. We will be creating awareness on here and also in our community throughout the month!
This picture was taken a year ago. Coming soon...our NAAM 2010 picture.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
A Lost Dream
My mind has done a lot of thinking today. A very good friend of mine just found out that she is pregnant. I am SO excited for her....excited beyond words. But it got me to thinking about when we started trying to start a family. I dreamed about how excited I would be to tell my husband. I brainstormed creative ideas and fun surprises on how I was going to tell him he was going to be a daddy. I even thought about how we were going to tell our families. We were going to get them all those mini staplers. (Get it? Baby "Staplers"...Baby Stapleton?? Cute, right?)
With each passing month of disappointment and with each loss, that dream slipped further and further away...to the point that I completely forgot about it. I gave up on getting my hopes up and trying to plan ahead for what could be.
When we decided to adopt, we tried to be a little creative with the way that we informed family and friends. We came up with a catchy little poem and sent out cards to what seemed like everyone we knew, including everyone that we worked with. We created our blog to help keep people informed. When I got the call that changed our lives, I couldn't wait to tell Joel and when I finally got to tell him, I just spewed information. And when we told our families we did it through tears on the phone so I am sure that they could barely understand us. (The hyperventilating kind of tears.)
*Side note*
Yesterday I read an article that someone wrote about telling friends and family the exciting news and how just because you are adopting, it doesn't mean that it is any less exciting. If you get time, take a minute to read the article. It is so true!!
So for as long as I had dreamed about how perfect it was going to be to tell our friends and family and to share in the joyous news, I realize that it was just a dream. Dreams come and go and get replaced with new dreams. And the reality of it is that my biggest dream came true!
With each passing month of disappointment and with each loss, that dream slipped further and further away...to the point that I completely forgot about it. I gave up on getting my hopes up and trying to plan ahead for what could be.
When we decided to adopt, we tried to be a little creative with the way that we informed family and friends. We came up with a catchy little poem and sent out cards to what seemed like everyone we knew, including everyone that we worked with. We created our blog to help keep people informed. When I got the call that changed our lives, I couldn't wait to tell Joel and when I finally got to tell him, I just spewed information. And when we told our families we did it through tears on the phone so I am sure that they could barely understand us. (The hyperventilating kind of tears.)
*Side note*
Yesterday I read an article that someone wrote about telling friends and family the exciting news and how just because you are adopting, it doesn't mean that it is any less exciting. If you get time, take a minute to read the article. It is so true!!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
"Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother"
Chapter One: To Produce or to Purchase?
Wolff describes her struggles with infertility in the first chapter and how she and her husband decided to adopt. Deciding to adopt wasn't difficult for us. Before we were married we discussed adoption but we planned to have natural children as well. When our plan to conceive didn't work out, it didn't take us long to realize that God was sending us in the direction of adoption. No, it is not easy to adopt and yes, it is expensive but neither of these things gave us a moment of thought. We did not even think twice about it. We would have spent money on either path...fertility treatments or adoption.
It wasn't until after Gus was born and he went with me to the hair salon that the money factor was brought up. The women of the salon all gawked at him and asked lots of questions. Many of them there knew that we were adopting. One woman, who I had only met once before made a comment that made me pause.
"How nice. You did it the easy way and just bought a baby."
Really, lady? 1) Who would say that? 2) There is NOTHING easy about adoption. 3) We ALL pay for our babies. Perhaps not the same way that we did but rather in paying insurance bills for doctor's appointments and hospital stays.
After this woman made this comment, I tried to pick my jaw up off the ground, but was having very little luck. Luckily, another woman jumped in and changed the topic. But it really made me think. Is this the perception that people have of adoption? Baby buying? I know that there was a time when this world (and it still is in some parts) had people actually selling babies, but luckily society has changed and we went through an extensive process...we didn't just write a check. From that day on, I decided that I cannot change the thoughts that people have on adoption...but I can certainly try to educate them on adoption and separate fact from the myths.
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